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Dragonball Evolution

Someone in Hollywood looked at Dragonball, a goofy cartoon about farting moppets looking for oversized magical marbles. “Hmm,” they thought, “this would make a fine live-action film with a bunch of nobodies who can’t act! We’ll make it deathly serious and cast a bunch of surly teenagers!” Then they gained the presence of mind to stow Chow Yun Fat in there so people would go. I don’t know why he did it. I’m guessing he lost all his money somehow and playing an old geezer who reads porn, touches some girls’ behinds, then dies seemed easy enough.

It didn’t work out, and DBE has been losing money hand over fist. This is because it sucks. The special effects are lousy, the characters uncharismatic, and the script- well, it had to be simple so the cast could read it all off cue card next to the camera, but it’s still bad. Fortunately it’s short; it ended just as I was getting really mad at it. You may be tempted, as I was, to see this film for trainwreck appeal, but don’t bother. It is neither deliberately nor accidentally good, it is only a sad mess that joylessly marches to the minimum length for a five dollar movie than dies abruptly. This movie actually entertained me less than Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. And that’s something.

Who am I kidding. If you’re the kind of freak who reads a twittered micro review blog entry about Dragonball Evolution, you’ve probably already seen it. Here’s some fun stuff to watch for:

  1. Every fight scene is in slow motion, Like Zach Snyder came in to co-direct. The ladyfriend suggested that rather like the fictional DarkPlace, slow motion was used to stretch out the film. If so, more was needed, the whole thing is less than 90 minutes long.
  2. The girl that plays ChiChi is actually pretty hot! Then Goku beats her up and she’s out for the final quarter of the film.
  3. That dude playing Yamcha? His eyebrows are seriously freaky. What’s up with that? Look at ’em!
  4. Wow, the movie’s already over!

Look, I tried to get enjoyment out of Dragonball Evolution, my advice is not to. You won’t be rewarded. Just go watch the cartoon. I didn’t care for it, but at least it’s funny.

0/10

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